Why Are You Looking At Me Like That?

Whenever I go down town with my husband, people are lovely to me. They’ll hold open doors for me, smile , and they’ll get out of my way. When I go down town on my own, its a very different story…

Older women glare at me like I have leprosy, and men are blatantly rude to me. People will block my path even when I’m struggling to control my shopping trolley and I’ve nearly been ran over on crosswalks. I have never been asked if I would like a hand out to the car by the staff at one of the local IGA’s (Which I used to work for, so I know its something they should do); in fact the most help I’ve received is having half of my bagged shopping dropped into the trolley. I come home feeling like there is something wrong with me, like pregnancy is some kind of disease.

Please don’t get me wrong, I most certainly don’t expect to be treated like some princess when I go shopping, it just really gets up me when people will be so nice to me when my husband is visible, but totally rude when he isn’t. I think I’ve figured it out though. I’m treated like shit when my husband isn’t around because I’m being stereotyped. I’m young, I’m heavily pregnant and there isn’t a man in my immediate vicinity. Well, I must be a single mother! Quick, where are the rotten tomatoes?!

What I can’t work out is why there is so much hatred thrown towards young single mothers. A vast majority of people lump them into the dole bludger category. ‘That girl is 16, clearly she got knocked up for the baby bonus and the welfare payments she’ll be entitled to!’ Yes, every single unmarried mother has babies simply for the welfare payments, it has nothing to do with the circumstances or their views on abortion. Oh, and because there is no father in the picture and they’re so young, they’re automatically the worst parent in the world. Just like those heathens who have children out of wedlock!

I’m really over such archaic and backwards opinions. Yes, teen pregnancy isn’t exactly ideal, but these women have chosen to do what they consider to be the right thing. Instead of taking the “easy way out” and terminating, they’re stepping up to the plate for their child. They are sacrificing their education, their career, and even their youth to become mothers. To me, that is admirable. Its sad that they found themselves unexpectedly pregnant, but they’re taking responsibility for their actions. Parenting as a team is hard enough, so I can’t even begin to imagine how hard it would be doing it on your own.

I know that there are some people out there who really do see having babies as a way to get out of work, but its just stupid to believe that every single young woman who is pregnant is a dole bludger. I don’t like being treated like a single mum when I’m in fact happily married and self-sufficient — but it makes me 1,000 angrier that such prejudice exists in the first place. How about we as a society stop being so judgemental and start exercising a little common courtesy, and not just mums-t0-be who have a man in tow.

Follow Up: What’s Wrong With Being a Working Mum?

A while ago I wrote a post asking “What’s wrong with being a working Mum?”. It seems like we, as a society, are stuck in this archaic ideology where a woman’s place is at home and the man ‘brings home the bacon’. I don’t really have a problem with that, in fact that’s how things are working at my house at the moment, I just take issue with it when its expected that as a woman, you will be the one sitting at home with the kids.

One commenter suggested that our government is doing this not to force women to stay at home, but rather because most women choose willingly to stay at home.  A vast majority of mothers who I’ve spoken to would love to stay at home, but for most, its just not financially feasible. Others, like myself, still want to contribute not only to the family income, but have a certain sense of pride and self esteem that doesn’t allow them to take welfare easily.

One Mum that I spoke to had a very passionate response which raised many good points:

Hmmmm don’t even get me started on this one babe, this has been a thorn in my side for a number of years, I was a single mum for a long time and had 2 options bludge or work, my pride and sense of self esteem took me back to work and as soon as I did I was no longer eligible for health care cards, max family benefits or any kind of help at all, my child care was still means tested so because I worked I paid more child care whilst people I knew with a menagerie of children to different fathers on the pension got daycare for nix……aaaaggghhhh fuck why do you need discounted daycare if you don’t work and the government is paying for your lifestyle……

My friend decided that she wanted to go back to work and contribute and so was stripped of all the perks that would have made going back to work easier. Yet someone on welfare, who – lets be honest – doesn’t really need cheap childcare gets it for almost nothing.

My previous article never took into account single parents either. These parents most certainly don’t have the luxury of choice when it comes to staying home. Ignoring the rare case of people who deliberately get knocked up to receive government benefits, many single parents (Like couples) simply can’t afford to not go back to work. Not to mention the hideous bias they cop should they stay at home on welfare. Whilst they may be receiving Healthcare Cards and cash payments, is it really enough for a single, independent parent to feed, clothe and house their family and still have money left over to save for their first home?

In today’s society it seems that we don’t want to encourage people to work for a living. Instead of providing people with incentive to be successful, we’re taxing them even more.  Instead of encouraging parents who want to get back into the work force, we’re making it harder and less appealing for them. It’s nice that if a mother (or father, for that matter) wants to stay at home, there are small perks that make it possible for them to achieve this. I just think that parents who decide to return to the workforce are perhaps equally or more deserving of a few perks. Not everyone has a partner who has a salary double that of the average Australian.

What’s in a Name?

name (neym) – noun
a word or a combination of words by which a person, place, or thing, a body or class, or any object of thought is designated, called, or known.

When my husband and I decided on the name Liam* we never really looked into what it meant. In fact, we settled with the name Liam for a variety of other reasons. Firstly, you can’t really abbreviate it to anything. So many names that we picked out would shorten to something terrible, and its in our culture for people to shorten your name.

Then there was the wierd factor. Whilst….unique names like Bronx Mowlgi Wentz or Adolf Hitler Campbell might seem like a great idea at the time, do the parents of these children actually think about how such absurd, or downright offensive names will affect their children? I would hate to think that the name that I chose for little Liam would result in him being the butt of everyones jokes. What if our choice of names for our son even resulted in him being handicapped in the workforce in later life? If his name is a joke, perhaps a potential employer will think his resume is a joke too. Or, in the case of little Adolf and his unfortunately named siblings, what if our choice of names gets him removed from our care entirely?

Obviously these are extreme cases, but you can never really predict how people will react to a name. We like to think that the name Liam is, well, boring enough to escape such critisisms, but unique enough that there aren’t 1,000 other Liams enrolled at the same school as him. What it really comes down to is this: we chose the name Liam because it somehow feels right. I can’t explain it, but it just seems to fit!

Now we have the joys of coming up with a middle name and thats opened up a whole other can of worms. We have pressure from both sides of the family to continue their traditions. Name him after your grandfather, give him the same middle name as his father, give him the name of such-and-such who you have never even met. We tried to take their well meaning advice, but we just cannot agree on a middle name. A name of a positive person in my husbands life will have a negative meaning in my families life, or the name simply just doesn’t fit. I think its safe to say that picking a middle name for our little man is harder than picking his first name!

So, its back to the drawing board. We’ve decided that for Liam’s middle name we’ll pick something thats both meaningful to us and to him. He’s a little fighter and so we’re searching for the perfect name that reflects just that. There are thousands of names out there, and the one that is perfect for our little man is out there somewhere. We just need to find it!

*Liam is Irish for determined guardian.

How Do Children Affect Your Social Circles?

When I found out I was expecting I burst into tears.  I didn’t cry because little Liam was a horrible accident – my husband and I had been hoping for a baby for a while – I cried because my life was over. From that second onwards, gone was my ability to drink, eat whatever I wanted, do whatever I wanted and to spend money like it was nothing. Suddenly I went from being a 22 year old who was confident and able to do whatever she wanted, to a woman who had no idea on what life had in store for her anymore.

My husband and I are extremely lucky in the fact that we’re one of the last couples in our social circle to actually conceive a human being. While I do find it a little concerning that at the tender young age of 22 we were one of the last child free couples (A story for another time, perhaps), it was a massive relief to know that whatever problem we had, we had a support network of people who have done it all before and would probably be able to help.

When I broke the news at work I suddenly found myself being inundated by other mums who were beaming at me with joy. Some of these people I barely even knew, but the simple fact that I was an incubator for a succubus was enough for us to apparently have some new-found deep and meaningful connection. Its something that I really struggled with. I’m a geeky tomboy who at that point in my life had no mothering instinct whatsoever. Even now I kindly decline when someone offers me their child to hold, and the mere sight of baby vomit makes me want to bring up my lunch in sympathy, and yet here I was surrounded by clucky ladies who wanted to offer me so much “advice” that I thought my head would explode! I was glad when I left that place.

The most interesting responses would have to have come from the singles in our social circle. My best friend, who is so much like me in how she interacts with babies, was over the moon for us. My husbands best friend reminded me of a fish out of water when we told him. Others just kind of ignored it, some were ecstatic, and in one unique case, a close friend started a meme about how he plans to eat Liam once he’s born (After many discussions, he has decided that its best to boil the baby). Of course, he doesn’t actually intend to eat our baby and has been an amazing support to me throughout this whole pregnancy. In fact, he’s been absolutely amazing and has helped me through some pretty hard times. I’m still expecting him to rock up at the maternity ward with a pot though!

Everyone close to us is well aware that I’m pregnant and it isn’t a big deal anymore. With 58 days left to go before Liam makes his glorious arrival into the world, I’m beginning to realise that this lovely “honeymoon” period that we’re having with our friends is about to end. Liam will go from being a silent entity living inside me who can easily be ignored, to being a very LOUD little person who will demand all of our attention. Gone will be the days of parties at our place, three day LANs and going to lunch with friends; to be replaced with play dates and picnics at the park.

Will my social circle shrink to only include other people who have children, or will my single friends who aren’t ready to be around kids surprise me and be an active part of my life? I guess only time will tell.